Only Human
by DasewigGewitter
Summary: AU- Another one set in the Avengers Tower. What appears to be hatred on Loki's part for Lilith (a humanoid whose secret is known only to Tony Stark) is really a cover for his own insecurities about what he is and what she might think of him. Sadly, he finds out just how much she cares for him only after it's too late.


I walked down the hallway and headed for the kitchen of the enormous penthouse floor in the Avengers tower. The tower was always a revolving flurry of activity between its more famous, permanent inhabitants and their frequent guests. Only a month ago, the Trickster god of Asgard took up residence. For most, his presence here was received with reluctance or hostility, but I always had a soft spot for him.

He was beautiful. Shoulder-length sable hair and porcelain skin- pale as cream unless flushed with anger. He was often furious around this place. But then I would be dazzled by his magic, flaring vibrantly green at his fingertips. Elegant and ethereal, yet so very deadly for the incautious. Most of all, though, I found myself compelled by his eyes. Azure irises threaded with emerald. Always, they held a lively expression, which could sharpen to a glare in the space of a breath.

I had to admit that he was the only person that managed to capture my heart- or would have, if I'd had one. But I didn't.  
I was humanoid. Human on the outside; inside…all machine. A complex and sophisticated machine, granted, but it didn't make me human. So why did I feel emotions like one? I shouldn't. Humanoids aren't capable of feeling anything. I can. And because I can, they said I was broken. Would have been dismantled on account of my defects if Tony Stark had not saved me.

He brought me here to the tower and gave me a purpose in helping the Avengers in whatever small ways I could. None of them knew I was a humanoid- Tony kept that secret to himself. And even though he knew I wasn't, treated me as if I were. Such a confusing life- to feel human, but to know I am not. At best, I could be called part-human. I shook my head and continued my way to the kitchen. As I stepped through the door, my eyes met with the one person I loved.

Loki.

A deep blush colored my cheeks and I cast my eyes down to the floor, trying to ignore the spine-tingling shiver coursing through me. Always. That always happened whenever we were in the same room. Loki, meanwhile, glared at me in sheer loathing. I was immune to his ability to read minds, and he _hated_ me for it. And if that weren't enough, he couldn't control me, either. Couldn't even feel my presence at all. A lifeless object no different from a lamp. Disappointment washed over me.

 _Why shouldn't he- who could love a freak like me?_

I would have settled for far less, but Loki took no interest in my tentative offers friendship. Not one conversation between us had ever been amiable since the first day we met. At best, he snarled dark curses and threats at me; at worst, I'd dodge a carefully aimed magic strike. They were never close enough to actually _hit_ me, but the glare in his eyes warned me the next time I might not be so lucky. He never smiled when I was around. Never. Today would be no different. My non-existent heart broke thinking about it.

"Good morning, Loki," I greeted him in spite of the frigid look in his eyes. Not surprisingly, he did not reply, so I pretended I didn't notice. I opened the cupboard to grab a few ingredients to make pancakes as I continued, "It's my day to make breakfast for everyone, so if you were-"

Before I'd finished talking, a dagger pierced the wooden door only millimeters from my cheek. I stared at it in stunned silence as I noticed a trickling sensation across my skin. My hand shook as I drew it up to brush my cheek. Blood smeared across the fingertips. I was bleeding. Pain blossomed in my receptors almost instantly after I'd made that realization. They would repair me no problem; a superficial wound was easy to fix. But the malevolent expression on Loki's face cut far deeper.

"No need to act like you are about me, mortal," he said disdainfully. "I don't need you- nor do I need your sustenance."

With that, he stalked out of the kitchen. Leaving me there. Alone. Hurt. If only it were just the physical pain. I inhaled slowly, trying to keep a rein on my unstable emotions, now threatening to spill out in a torrent of tears. Another breath. Two more. I kept them at bay for now. But hurt frustration lingered.

"Dammit!" I cursed softly. "Why do you do this, you freak? Why can't you just _not_ feel- be a good machine like the others?"

* * *

Tony had just turned the corner in time to hear the confrontation between Lilith and Loki in the kitchen. Rather, the latter attacked her for no damn reason. Again. What the hell was his problem? Plenty, in Tony's opinion. So why on earth Lilith cared for the prick was a complete mystery. But she did.

Lilith was a fascinating quirk of technology and nature that even he had yet to figure out. He'd been visiting the company that manufactured humanoids, looking for a new investment opportunity, when he'd seen her for the first time. Labeled as defective and slated for destruction. Just because she was different. Well, he appreciated different- even if they did not. So Tony had persuaded the company to let him have her instead, and brought Lilith to the tower.

Lately, he was beginning to wonder if that had been wise. Since Reindeer Games had come back from Asgard, really. The antagonism the god felt towards Lilith had only grown with time, and after hearing her whispered comment just now, the constant rejection was taking its toll. He ought to send her away until Thor gave him the word that his pompous brother would be leaving. But that wasn't fair. She would think she'd done something wrong.

No way to win. With a sigh, he turned back the way he came and let her have some time alone to settle her bruised feelings.

* * *

Somewhat calmer than he'd been a moment ago, Loki found himself in the living room. When he saw his brother sitting on the couch watching television, though, he almost thought better of it. But then Thor spotted him and it was too late to escape.

"Brother!" he beamed at him in his irritatingly cheerful way. How could he be so damned happy all the time? "What makes you seek out my company so early this morning?"

"I wasn't. You just happened to be here."

"Well, good morning just the same."

Loki glanced at the flickering screen and shook his head. "What the Hel are you watching?"

"Midgardians call them cartoons. Can't recall the name of this one, but it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. You ought to watch it."

"It would appear I have little choice at the present time. I doubt you're turning it off."

"Absolutely right. So why don't you cut out the hostile mood and enjoy something for a change?"

Loki shrugged as he sat in one of the large chairs in the central space of the room. He paid little attention to the television or Thor's attempts to engage him in conversation. Maybe another time he might have been able to focus, but today his thoughts were drawn to Lilith. He'd lost his temper with her this morning, just as he always seemed to do around her. Loki never meant to, but it was his only defense against what he knew would be an even more disastrous reaction.

 _That's it, Loki- push her away before she can do the same to you._

Sure, Lilith wanted to be friendly now. In fact, she was one of the few willing to talk to him at all. But that wouldn't last. Not if she knew what he really was. A monster. The nightmare in stories parents told to frighten their children. Loki had heard the whispers and name-calling all his life, and knew it must be true. And what could a monster like him expect from someone like Lilith when she finally discovered it for herself?

 _Nothing._

So Loki felt it was pointless to try, even though it pained him to act so cruelly towards her. If only he didn't need the mask and could just be himself. He wouldn't have to hide the way his heart raced whenever he saw her. Or that he cherished the sight of her captivating smile and the musical sound of her laughter. Everything about Lilith brightened the dullness of living in this wretched tower with the Avengers. Just like he knew she would if she lived back home on Asgard. How lovely she would be as Queen- his Queen.

Not to be. Lilith would never be his. Nothing he could ever do would change that fact. And he would do anything if he thought it would. If she asked him to burn the world, he'd do it. _And that's exactly why you will never have her, isn't it? The first thing you can think of to prove your love for her is mayhem and destruction. You_ are _a monster and you'll never deserve her._ Disheartened, he sighed heavily and got up to leave. Thor shot him a quizzical look, but made no attempt to inquire about it. Just as well. Loki didn't feel like explaining himself, anyway.

* * *

No sooner had Tony made his way towards the living room, he ran across Loki. Quite literally. They collided in the doorway, equally annoyed with one another. Tony glanced down at his suit- now crumpled- and scowled at the god. Who, of course, scowled right back.

"Watch where you're going, Stark," he sneered belligerently.

Tony was so not in the mood for his temper tantrums. Especially not when the god had already injured Lilith's feelings with his self-important attitude. So he fired back a few well-chosen points of his own.

"First thing- it's Tony. Second- this is _my_ tower and I can damn well walk wherever the hell I want to. So you just watch where _you're_ walking and stay out of my way, Reindeer Games."

The punch came before he could even see it coming. Loki's fist slammed into his jaw with the force of a bullet train, damn near cracking the bone. Tony stumbled backwards, catching himself before he fell. Damn, that hurt like a wicked bitch. Incensed that he'd just been struck by a _guest_ in _his_ tower, he pushed away from the wall and advanced on the Asgardian menace. Loki wanted a fight? Fine, he'd get one. Tony knew just where to aim his shot to do the most damage.

"Is that all you've got? I might have guessed you're all talk. Nothing but a mamma's boy with daddy issues, taking out your frustration on people who don't deserve it."

That last part had more to do with Lilith than himself, though he doubted Loki would understand. For all his so-called 'genius', the god was incredibly inept at comprehending human feeling. Almost as if he were the machine instead of her. The injustice of it all burned in Tony's heart. But this was no time for reflection; Loki was looking like he was ready to go for another round.

"How _dare_ you, mortal! You can't manage to understand your pathetic little realm and you think you understand a god!? You know nothing of me and never will!"

He had that look in his eye- the one that said this was going to be a serious fight. Not like their typical squabbles over the past month. No, this time Loki wasn't going to hold back. Good. Tony had no intention of backing away, even though he knew he could get hurt if he lost. For one thing, his ego wouldn't let him. For another, he wanted some payback for Lilith.

"Oh I know _plenty_. If this realm is so pathetic, just what are you doing here, huh? I'll tell you why. You're here because Asgard cast you out. They don't want you there. Your own kind in Jotunheim don't want you, either. No one wants a petty, self-serving-"

That did it. Loki's temper exploded and he shot a burst of magic straight at Tony's chest. It struck him hard, sending him careening into the living room. As he braced against the edge of the sofa, Tony gasped and clutched to his arc reactor. Fortunately, it was not broken. He'd never survive what was coming next if it had. From behind him, he heard Thor's surprised yell.

"Loki- Tony. What the Hel is going on!?"

Before he could answer, the Trickster god entered the room and stormed right for him.

"You'll regret saying that, you mewling wretch! I should have killed you when I had a chance before; I won't make that mistake again. Prepare to meet your end, mortal!"

"Not if you meet yours first!"

Tony called for his suit as he saw Loki gathering his magic for a second strike. Thor helped him stall for time, trying to restrain his brother. But the Thunder god was a bit too slow, and he slipped out of his grasp just as Tony's suit set against his body. Ready to battle, he took flight and rammed into Loki as hard as he could. The god was momentarily stunned, and lost concentration enough that his magic dissolved. They traded blows and wrestled one another for a few minutes until Tony wrenched free.

They glared at one another across the room for a half second. Then he fired one of his tiny missiles at the god. Loki's fingertips flared green, and he shot back, intending to intercept it with a magic-infused weapon of his own. Likely would have, too. But just as they each let loose their attacks, Lilith entered the room.

"Hey, Tony. I heard some noise down here. Are you oka-"

He watched in horror as she walked directly into the crossfire.

"Lilith- watch out!" he shouted, knowing it was already too late.

She turned at the sound of his voice, and dodged his missile at the last moment; Loki's counter attack caught her square in the back. Lilith collapsed to the floor with an agonized scream. The magic coating the dagger had burnt through her false skin. Blood soaked through the back of her shirt. One hand lay outstretched on the hardwood, tremoring with each ragged breath she took. What had they done?

* * *

 _What have I done!?_ Loki cried inwardly as Stark knelt over Lilith to check her wounds. Wounds that were all _his_ fault. _I've killed her._ Killed the one person he'd ever felt anything for in his whole life. His love…his Lilith. _Monster. Wretched murdering monster._ Shame and guilt tightened in his chest that he could have done such a terrible thing.

"Lilith," Stark panicked. "Lilith, keep those eyes open."

She didn't seem to hear him as they fluttered and closed. He shook her gently while glancing up at Loki.

"She's not responding- what did you do to that dagger!?"

"Poison," he answered in a hushed whisper. "Lightning magic infused over a poison-coated dagger."

"Which poison?"

"Wolfsbane."

"Shit, then I have to hurry."

Stark lifted Lilith from the floor and flew in the direction of the healing room without so much as another word to any of them. Loki couldn't summon any of his typical outrage over what he'd usually see as a slight. All he cared about right now was that the insufferable mortal would save Lilith.

 _If he does, he's not saving her for you. You don't deserve her. You don't deserve to have anyone._

* * *

Tony laid me on one of the beds in the healing room and closed the curtains. He didn't call for Bruce. Couldn't. I didn't need a human physician. But Tony could heal me. He would know what to do. I closed my eyes against the sharp pain in the center of my back, trying not to cry again as it radiated outward and spread throughout my entire body.

"No no, Lilith," Tony's voice called to me through a haze of mental fog. "You have to stay awake, okay? Everything's gonna be all right."

He stripped off the outer layers of my clothing so they wouldn't be in the way as he plugged in wires that would repair my systems. I tried reopening my eyes, but they felt so heavy. So hard to keep them open. Beside me, furious tapping of fingers on keys accompanied by virulent swearing. Then the tapping stopped while Tony listened to my breathing- ragged and shallow. Definitely not normal. I wondered if my motor could be broken or shorted out from the lightning current.

My eyes opened slowly in time to see Tony looking down at me. Not good. He's worried, and Tony is _never_ worried.

"Hey doll, you still with me? You gotta stay strong for me, Lilith."

I flashed him a reassuring smile, patting his hand softly. I could do that for him. After all, he'd done so much for me. Saved me from the ones who would have dismantled me. Understood me. Made me feel human. I would always love him for that. Like family. But I knew I was no more than a broken machine- from the first day I was turned on.

"Tony, I'm not made of glass," I told him, hoping to make him laugh.

He didn't.

"Yeah," he agreed quietly. A sort of heavy sadness bound in that one word; I knew what it meant. "You're made of stone, baby."

My eyes drifted closed again as I succumbed to weariness.

* * *

Loki had taken refuge in his room after the catastrophe with Lilith. He stared out over the city below, convinced that if he believed hard enough, Lilith would be okay. Thor had been confident that Stark would get help quickly enough. Loki wanted to share that confidence, but here alone in this room, doubts crept in. And then his solitude was interrupted as Tony stormed his way through the door. He turned around too late to block a violent shove backwards. In fact, he barely ducked away as the man took deadly aim with a clenched fist. And Stark kept swinging.

"Cease, mortal!" Loki ordered, grabbing him by the wrist.

He could have broken every bone in it if he hadn't sensed that something about the man was different. They fought constantly, but Loki had never seen Stark like this before. Were those…tears? He noted how bright his eyes stood out, and the slight redness rimming them. It was true; Tony was crying. Loki released him abruptly, knowing only one reason that might cause such a response.

 _She's dead. Lilith's dead and I killed her._

"You son of a bitch!" Stark shouted at him, voice thick and rough. "I ought to tear you apart. But she'd never forgive me."

"I…don't understand."

"You wouldn't, would you?" he sneered back derisively. "Lilith. I don't know _why_ on earth she picked you- you don't _deserve_ her. She's already suffered enough without you piling more on- treating her like she carried the plague because she was just another _worthless_ human!"

Loki tried to interrupt, but Stark kept on with his tirade.

"You and your ambition for power. Always thinking about how high and mighty you are over us. A god among lowly, dirty urchins who should feel lucky to scrabble at your feet. Lilith may not have been worthy in _your_ eyes, but the truth is she was far too pure and guileless for the likes of you!" He let out a shaky breath, tears falling in earnest. His next words cracked and broke even before he could get them out. "She cared for you, Loki, and now she's going to die. She's going to die and it's all your fault."

Loki almost wished he'd have let Stark keep hitting him; it would have been less painful. The mortal had a tongue sharper than any blade when he put his mind to it. Now he'd said his piece, and Loki found he had nothing to say in his defense. No excuses. No lies that he could spin that would ease the pain. Just the truth. The cruel, brutal truth.

Without a word to Tony, he fled from it. Walked right out of the room and kept walking until he found himself in front of the healing room. Lilith was inside, dying. His fault. Loki pressed a hand to the door, but couldn't bring himself to open it. He was about to turn away when he heard a soft voice singing on the other side. For a minute, he stood there, listening.

* * *

As I finished the song, the final words dissolved into sobs. I almost didn't hear the turn of the doorknob, or the curtains being drawn back as Loki entered the space around my bed. His feet shuffled to a stop, drawing my attention immediately. I stopped crying, but it was not easy. Loki stared at the wires plugged into my body, not quite sure what to make of everything.

"What…what _is_ all this?"

"Secret," I managed to whisper, voice weak from singing. "Didn't want anyone to know. Not human. Couldn't be even that much for you- just a machine. Just a broken machine."

A thousand emotions flickered across his face- most of them sad. So sad. I didn't want him to be unhappy, and tried to smile. Maybe just once I could see him smile if I pretended to be happy.

Loki knew. He knew I was only pretending, and how much pain I hid behind the smile. He came closer and knelt beside the bed- close enough for me to reach out for his hand. But I failed, motor skills too damaged to work right. My hand fell limply, like a rag doll, until Loki caught it in his long-fingered grip. The hands of an artist, I'd always thought.

"Forgive me, Lilith," he begged as a tear slid down his cheek. Another trickled down after it, and then another. He kissed the back of my hand. "Please forgive me. I-I didn't mean to hurt you."

With determination, I raised my other hand to sift through his raven hair and shook my head.

"No, Loki. It's not your fault. No one's fault, all right?"

"It _is_ my fault! I did this to you. I'm a monster! Odin should have…"

I leaned forward to kiss him, cutting off what he might have said next. At first, he was too shocked to react. I didn't care, too happy to have this last moment with him. I knew Tony was lying before, and that he couldn't save me. Tony's a terrible liar. So I kissed Loki before it was too late; he kissed me back. Kissed me with the passion I'd dreamed of having since the day I met him. Then the pain was too much and I had to break away. Not long now and it would be over. I had to say one thing more.

"I love you, Loki."

"Re-really?" He could not quite believe me.

"Always- and always will."

"I love you, Lilith. I wasn't very good at it, but I do love you."

"Loki," I sighed with pleasure.

And then my breathing became more erratic and hoarse. He gripped my hand tightly, as if he could stop this from happening. But he can't. It's my time, and we both know it.

"Lilith…"

"It's okay. Going to be okay, Loki," I promised. "Please- tell Tony thank you for me- for saving me all those years ago. And you…you made me feel human, Loki. More human than I ever thought I could be. Thank you. Thank you…"

My voice failed me, and trailed off. Loki leaned closer, crying out, "Noo! Lilith, please- I'll give anything… _Lilith!?_ "

One last time. I whispered the words just one last time.

"Remember, Loki. I love you."


End file.
